My Testimony

But for the glorious grace of God...

I was brought up in a Christian home in name only. Adopted at 3 weeks old in 1959 (read my adoption story here), I was raised in a morally upright and loving home, by good parents, and I enjoyed a wonderful childhood. There were many things my parents did right, but I can probably count on one hand the number of times we attended church. In junior high school I began going with friends to the local church and became involved in Wednesday night choir and 'Celebration,' as it was called. It was at a revival one night, following a spaghetti supper, that I "walked the aisle" and "accepted" Christ with all the tears and emotion I could muster. I say this because I remember trying really hard to shed tears like the people around me. Years went by with no change, no fruit...nothing but my most vivid memory being that spaghetti supper.

In the intervening years I was involved in a few relationships with men, and was married at twenty-one, divorced at twenty-three. A word about my relationships with men: this is probably the critical factor overarching my entire testimony. While I have no doubt that my father (who died 10/3/01) loved me, I can also say that I longed to be "daddy's little princess." I didn't really understand the full scope of my feelings about that until many years later when I heard a pastor teach on what he termed, "father hunger." Basically, it's the age-old story - looking for love in all the wrong places. By God's grace, I forgave my dad long before he died and came to accept that he loved me the best way he knew how. His own mother was institutionalized when my dad was only 3, and she remained there the rest of her life; my dad was in his late twenties. My dad's father, who never divorced, had another woman living with him, and he died when my dad was around fifteen. Dad then had to live with his sister, who was 15 years older than him. All of that is yet another story... The point is, my dad did the best he could considering the circumstances of his own life and the condition of his heart. Because of that, however, his daughter was greatly affected.

In 1983, upon separating from (and eventually divorcing) my husband, I moved back to Texas and lived with my mother and stepfather. (Divorce initially rocked my world when my own parents got theirs when I was twenty-one.) I began attending the local church with the sole purpose of meeting friends. I met people alright, dating my Sunday School teacher for over 2 years. At some point during all the madness, I started to doubt and question my salvation. It was again at a revival that an evangelist posed the infamous scenerio, "Raise your hand if you know for sure that if you died tonight you know you're going to heaven." Well, I wasn't so sure about that, so I could not, would not raise my hand. And so I "got saved" again the next day. Once again, though, the subsequent years brought no real transformation, no real fruit.

After my failed engagement to the above mentioned person, I met Roger. This was early 1986, and we were married in September of the same year. Without getting too detailed, I'll just say that God had not yet rescued me, so I still harbored issues with men. My core belief was simply this: I had married Roger on the rebound. I was "unhappy" and therefore gave myself license to do whatever it took to be fulfilled and happy. Unfortunately, the actions brought on by my belief wrought a number of years of sinful activity, accompanied by much pain and anguish. We had always been a church-going family and for the most part, I continued that well-worn pattern for the sake of keeping up appearances. Amidst all my selfishness, though, the one thing I could not bring myself to do was break up my son's home. Apparently neither could Roger, so we just stuck it out together. In retrospect, I know that God was at work in the unseen, preserving and protecting our home. He was also granting Roger sustaining, sufficient grace to live with a rogue wife. That is another testimony in itself!

But for the glorious grace of God...

In the spring of 2004, we began visiting a new church. It was while attending the new members class that God radically intervened in my life in such a way that I knew, beyond a doubt, who He was. I don't know how else to say it other than he completely ripped the blinders from my eyes and revealed Himself to me. I finally got it; I understood that He was the sovereign God of the universe. He showed me the utter depravity of my heart as well as exactly who I was before this just and holy God. He totally altered my core beliefs. He chose me before the foundation of the world, and mercifully rescued me as one of His own. He replaced my heart of stone with a heart of flesh, and He continues to prune and refine me, transforming me more fully into the image of Christ.

I have come to embrace and deeply love the sovereignty of God. I fully know that it's not about me and it's not about a "better" life, rather it's about God being better than life. It's about doing the will of the Father by being obedient to the Son. The things I've learned are far too numerous to recount here, but this grateful heart thanks God every day for His abundant grace and mercy in my life. It is undeserved indeed.

Mercifully, God is redeeming those lost and wayward years of marriage. Roger and I are involved in the pre-marital mentoring program at our church, where we counsel engaged couples and lead them through a 6-week course. It has been a blessing to share our very real and weighty journey with them. We also volunteer together at our local children's hospital. So...we've come a very long way from practically living separate lives to ministering together. God is good.

I can honestly say that I live with complete peace that the course of my life was and is exactly where it's supposed to be. God orchestrates all things - the good and the bad - to bring me to the place where He wants me. And I am confident that He who began the good work in me will be faithful to complete it, as He causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.